Suggestions for the Drunken Alcohol Researchers
The Washington Times published an article outlining the commitment at the National Institute of Health to researching alcohol-related issues. My favorite alcohol-related study funded by the NIA is one in which Yale University and Arizona State University were given $154,688 to determine if drinking excess amounts of alcohol leads to losing more money while gambling.
Heck, I could have confirmed the answer to this question was “yes”, and would have only charged them $100,000.
But what’s clear from reading the Times article is that the NIH has only just scratched the surface of the kind of alcohol-related research that is needed in order to understand the various effects of alcohol consumption. So, in the spirit of giving back to my country, I’ll outline a few needed studies….no charge.
1. Does consumption of alcohol help golfers hit the ball straighter?
How many shots of tequila does a seven handicap golfer need to take before consistently hitting the ball straighter off the tee? Is there a different outcome when shooting Scotch?
2. Can wine bloggers write more incisively when drinking beer?
It’s well-known that it takes a lot of beer to make great wine. But does it equally require lots of beer to make a great wine blog? Clearly a longitudinal study is necessary to answer this burning question.
3. Does excessive alcohol consumption of “natural wine” make “natural wine” appear to taste better
Because of the inherent dangers connected with this study, mice and monkeys ought to be used in the study.
4. Does one’s faith in government increase or decrease with excessive alcohol consumption?
This study has obvious implications for altering election day behavior by voters.
5. To what degree does excessive alcohol consumption influence where the NIH will spend money?
I believe the data necessary for this particular study is already in evidence.