I’ll Have the Riesling With My Colonoscopy, Please

Posted by Tom Wark on Aug 13, 2018

Tom: Hi, this is Tom Wark. I was calling about my colonoscopy scheduled for Wednesday.

Nurse: Yes, we have you for 10:30. Did you get the prep from the pharmacy?

Tom: Yes, that’s all taken care of but I had a question. It says a liquid diet the 24 hours in advance.

Nurse: Yes.

Tom: Does that include white wine…Riesling in particular? 

Nurse: As a matter of fact it does. In fact, you can have red wine too.

Tom: Really?!!?? Red wine too?

Nurse: Yep.

Tom: That’s awesome! thank you.

There’s something comforting about the thought about washing down the Colonoscopy prep with a few big swigs of Burgundy or Riesling. Moreover, a few swigs of Burgundy, Riesling or bourbon makes the thought of a 20,000-foot tube inserted into your bowels a tad more palatable.

Which brings me to Reasons Why Alcohol is Awesome #13: Self Medication.

Ever read those quizzes in the back of Cosmo or Redbook or Men’s Health that purports to tell you if you are an alcoholic? Inevitably one of the questions is: “Do you ever drink alcohol when you are anxious or to ‘come down’ from the day?” This always struck me as a stupid question. Self-medicating with alcohol is among its greatest benefits and among those many things that recommend its consumption. And isn’t the only question needed for these quizzes the following: “Do you need to drink?”

In any case, there’s more good Colon/Wine news besides being able to drink wine before a colonoscopy. It turns out that recent studies show that resveratrol, a molecular compound found in red wine, killed colon cancer cells both in mice and in Petri dishes. Now, I’m neither a mouse nor a petri dish…but still. The story in VinePair goes on to say, “Tumors were suppressed in the group given grape compounds by fifty percent, a good sign for potential life-changing effects for humans. As with any new research, much testing still needs to be completed to make any solid conclusions.”

But back to my colonoscopy.

The question is what to drink with the prep the night before. For those of you who have gone through this process, you’ll probably agree that there is very little that actually pairs with the liquid prep they insist you ingest. My own thoughts are something very big. Something like a 15.9% Zinfandel. Really anything to mask the nastiness of whatever that stuff is.

The actual procedure is really no big deal. Strip. Lay down. Insert tube in arm. Sleep while tube is in ass. That’s it.

So there it is. If you are of that age and if you are about to get your colonoscopy, wine is on the menu. Check with your doctor first, however. Or contact me, and I’ll tell you the name of mine.