Natural Wine Cures Cancer!

miracleIn honor of Jordan Salcito’s Amazing article on Natural Wine.

Not long ago I accompanied a good friend to a meeting with their oncologist. It was to be a difficult meeting as the discussion was in advance of my friends first in a series of radiation treatments. What transpired and was revealed at the meeting some have called a miracle. But my friend and I know the truth.

Upon examining my friend, the oncologist declared, “Good God, there’s not a lick of cancer left in your body….that’s impossible! It’s a damn miracle.”

My friend grinned, looked at me, then looked back at his doctor and said, “Not impossible. And not a miracle, Doc! The secret is Natural Wine. See, I’ve been drinking this purely pure form of wine and I felt better in no time. All it took was five bottles of Natural Rose Wine and I could actually feel the cancer cells disappearing. Natural Wine, Doc. It cures cancer!”

Curing cancer is just one of the many benefits of drinking Natural Wine. But first a little about this new, trendy drink. Natural wine is made with just grapes…and nothing else. In fact, the best makers of natural wine don’t even pick the grapes. Come harvest, time they gather like-minded friends, surround the vineyard, hold hands and chant the natural wine chant. With this winemaking method, the grapes naturally just fall off the vines and clusters, and roll of their own volition to the nearest vessel, where they ferment, naturally, and turn in to wine.

The beauty of natural wine is that it contains none of the battery acid, strychnine, dissolved plastic or motor oil that elvistoastis found in 99% of all other wines currently produced on the planet. The Natural Wine movement really took hold and took off as a reaction to winemakers who around 2000 determined to make their wines in the style of Dupont, as recommended by the Wine Spectator and Robert Parker.

But there are other benefits to Natural Wine beyond its ability to cure cancer. Though we don’t yet have the scientific proof, my own experience with these perfectly purely pure wines have shown that by drinking them regularly, they will cure cases of acne, bring one’s grade point average up by at least 1.6 points, turn base metals into gold if you carefully pour them over iron ore during the full moon, and of course will rid one’s body of 86% of all the bad cholesterol. Plus, they come in red, white, rose and brown.

My friends doctor is no longer a doctor. Today he is has shed is white coat, moved to Croatia and is making Natural Wine in partnership with Merck. And my now cancer-free friend? Well, they have become one of the most famed wine buyers and sommeliers in New York City. You’ll know them the minute you lay eyes on them: They will be the one with the most perfectly creamy brown complexion you’ve ever seen, as though washed and polished with a fine, brown Natural Wine.


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11 Responses

  1. John Dabney - November 18, 2013

    Tale ironia e sarcasmo! And there was me thinking I could have something new to put on my bottle…..before reading of course!

  2. Nancy - November 18, 2013

    I also had a positive experience from drinking red wine as I was a stomach cancer patient with MALT Lymphoma and the polyphenols and reservatrol found in the red wines killed off the bacteria that caused the cancer. The fact I was drinking a glass a day prevented the cancer from spreading. Once I had the radiation and changed my diet (wine is essential, of course), I have not had any troubles at all. I am very interested in learning about this Natural wine as I am a Certified Sommelier and Wine Educator as well and would love to tell the story. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Donn Rutkoff - November 18, 2013

    But the real question is, will natural wine save the Food & Wine section from getting the axe by the mind-numbing ancien regime at the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper?

  4. Anders Öhman - November 18, 2013

    The idea of self harvestng grapes is not new. In an old swedish movie they harvested apples for cider by placing a female apple in the basket and the male apple just jumped in. 😉

  5. Leeann - November 18, 2013


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  9. Kaitlyn - November 25, 2013

    I have never heard this theory before. As a biology major I am interested in exploring this concept a little more.

    Thanks for sharing

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  11. Spencer - March 6, 2014

    Had about 3/4 of a bottle of 201 Domaine de Cebene Faugeres Felgaria last night. I think even Alice Feiring would qualify this wine as “natural”….the producer, Brigitte Chevalier, claims to use wild yeast, minimal sluphur and as little intervention as possible. The wine was fantastic, but…
    I was a bit hung-over this morning. WTF??!!

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