Does It Matter What Wine You Pour in Your Ass?

Poor Franzia.

You have to believe that the Wine Group, owner of the Franzia brand, would never expect to read a mention of their “Sunset Blush” box wine in the media that is immediately followed by this sentence: “He also had no recollection of losing control of his bowels and defecating on himself.”

The MSNBC article is  referring to the University of Tennessee student whose memory was impacted after waking up in a hospital after a night of inserting rubber tubing into his rectum and dousing his bowels with Franzia Sunset Blush. Yes, the student was a member of a fraternity and no, we no have reason to believe that the student is a wine lover who just can’t get enough of Franzia Sunset Blush.

When I was in college, living in the dorms my first year and later living off campus with a group of fun-loving, adventurous souls, there were occasions when we all shook our heads the next morning and agreed, “That was stupid.” Yet this conclusion never resulted from any exploit involving our bowels or rubber tubing. Of this I’m quite proud.

One ought not get the impression that the insertion of rubber tubing into one’s rectum and pouring in wine is proof positive that American college students as whole have turned a corner from generally careless to objectively dumb. One University of Tennessee freshman, upon being told of the incident and asked for comment said, “It’s like a big joke. Because who does that?” This is a very good question.

To answer the question, let me just reiterate that one who does insert tubing into their ass and pours in Franzia Sunset Blush probably isn’t a butting wine lover. (sorry).

Of course, on the other side of the “have-they-turned-the-corner-from-careless-to-dumb” discussion we have this unsettling comment from another University of Tennessee student: “It is definitely over the top. But it doesn’t surprise me, I don’t guess.”

That’s unfortunate.

In all the reporting on this incident of ass-based wine ingestion, there has been no indication that the student who agreed to partake in this…experiment…has any opinion on the quality of the Franzia Sunset Blush box wine. Over at “Snooth” the wine is described as “Delicate pink hue with strawberry flavors; easy to drink and very refreshing. Perfect with lighter foods. Serve chilled.” In this case however, I suspect the wine was not chilled and therefore difficult to evaluate.

I have no sympathy for the frat boy that agreed to have rubber tubing stuck down his ass and allowed wine to be poured through it into his bowels and subsequently ended up in the hospital with a blood alcohol level of 0.45.

However, I do have sympathy for The Wine Group, assuming publicity of this incident doesn’t increase sales of Franzia Sunset Blush Box Wine.

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24 Responses

  1. Samantha Dugan - October 1, 2012

    This has to be one of the greatest blog post titles….ever.

  2. Tom Wark - October 1, 2012

    Sam:

    I was gong to go with: “On Reviewing Wine”…..but it seemed to scream out for a bit more.

  3. Randy Hall - October 1, 2012

    This could’ve been titled, “On The Wisdom Of Wine Enemas”. Though it probably wouldn’t have gotten as much shock value.

  4. Helene - October 1, 2012

    Sadly, while this article is funny, the boy’s .448 BAC isn’t. Also, there have been articles about boys and girl inserting vodka-soaked tampons into body orifices in order to get drunk. Scary times…

  5. Jo Diaz - October 1, 2012

    It’s definitely one of the most daring titles…

  6. Jim - October 1, 2012

    Not to quibble Tom, but to be the tube was stuck “up” the young man’s ass, not “down” as you state in your conclusion. Journalistic rigor in reporting is critical when writing about box wine enemas. As you know, we must always keep our standards high.

  7. Michael - October 1, 2012

    I can just picture the review now…. Prepare to Shit Your Pants with this Crappy Wine :p

  8. Tom Wark - October 1, 2012

    Jim….Point taken. However, what’s certain is that this particular story requires no journalistic rigor.

  9. Joeshico - October 1, 2012

    At first, I felt a little disagreement with the “not surprising” tweet made by one of the U of Tenn students, but then I did come up with a few schools and definitely some Frat houses in my day that this incident would not have been surprising, except for the quality of the wine used.

  10. Jack Norton - October 1, 2012

    I love a blog (or other) titles which pointedly and accurately describe the corresponding content. You certainly hit the bulls eye with this one.

    It is worth noting however, that this little experiment gone wrong does not make the student in question some kind of deviant freak. It is quite possible that alcohol was being consumed anally even before the more traditional method came into practice. some of the oldest cultures known have left “behind” clay enema bottles into which chewed up tobacco and coca leaves would be added to the juice of some starchy plant and buried for a spell before going “down the hatch” as they say. In south America, only the strongest and most powerful shamans frequently enjoyed this practice. Mainly because it had already killed all of the weaker spirits.

  11. Jack Norton - October 1, 2012

    I love a blog (or other) titles which pointedly and accurately describe the corresponding content. You certainly hit the bulls eye with this one.

    It is worth noting however, that this little experiment gone wrong does not make the student in question some kind of deviant freak. It is quite possible that alcohol was being consumed anally even before the more traditional method came into practice. some of the oldest cultures known have left “behind” clay enema bottles into which chewed up tobacco and coca leaves would be added to the juice of some starchy plant and buried for a spell before going “down the hatch” as they say. In south America, only the strongest and most powerful shamans frequently enjoyed this practice. Mainly because it had already killed all of the weaker spirits.

  12. Jack Norton - October 1, 2012

    So sorry for the double post. I hate it when that happens.

  13. Tom Wark - October 1, 2012

    Jack,
    The substance of your comment justifies a double post. Keep’m coming, but let’s try to keep’em different.

    Cheers….

    P.S…. coca leaves? Ouch.

  14. Greg Gillooly - October 1, 2012

    Tom-

    The Franzia brand is owned by The Wine Group. Fred Franzia has his own wine company called Bronco Wine Company- no association with the brand Franzia wines.

  15. Tom Wark - October 1, 2012

    Greg…Indeed….Thanks.

  16. Thomas Pellechia - October 1, 2012

    Thanks to this frat boy, the government warning may have a sentence added to it…

  17. Lori - October 1, 2012

    I cannot wait for the cautionary disclaimer that will eventually be required on all boxed wines warning of the dangers of consuming wine rectally. This will be a collectors item!

  18. Samantha Dugan - October 1, 2012

    Or each box will have to come with one of the new Reidel glasses The HoseMaster wrote about today…

  19. Doug Wilder - October 1, 2012

    Beware, lunchtime readers…

  20. » THE DRUNK BACKWARD PART XXX: WINES, WINES, EVERYWHERE WINES, DO THIS DON’T DO THAT, WHY DON’T YOU DRINK THE WINE? - October 1, 2012

    […] the wine biz: Tom Wark from the Fermentation wine blog had this to say about a strange new trend in binge drinking (which is seriously called “butt […]

  21. george kaplan - October 1, 2012

    Since it’s already too late for any standards to apply, let me just suggest that it may well have been more efficient to run the wine down into the chosen receptacle rather than up: possibly this contributed to the blood alcohol level achieved. Anybody who can’t handle the imagery: you bought your ticket.

  22. John Kelly - October 1, 2012

    This has to be a near a record for number of comments so quickly on one of your posts, Tom. Tripped a few triggers with “wine” and “ass” in the same title. Admittedly I thought at first blush the title might be indicative of a political piece, but when I found it was literal it immediately reminded me of an episode of “South Park.” You know the one I’m talking about.

  23. Tom Wark - October 1, 2012

    John, I do know the one. Difference is, that one’s fiction. Turns out I’ve generated far more comments than this with a post. Difference is, I didn’t mention Robert Parker, The 100 Point Scale or Sex in this post.

  24. wine shelving - January 4, 2013

    We use to buy Franzia in college as well from time to time…. We used to choose “Chilable Red” though and we usually drank it out of plastic cups while we played video games before going out. I thought the way we drank it was a very adolescent thing but at least it was still fun. How could sticking something in your butt and turning it on ever be fun?

    Poor Franzia but I also feel bad for the University who is getting bad press.


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