Wine & Spirit Wizards of America

WizardWSWA copySay what you will about wine and spirit wholesalers, but you now can’t deny their magical powers to divine guilt and innocence. In fact, with their special and wizardly abilities to determine who is guilty and who is not, it’s downright difficult to understand why we even keep and pay for a functioning judicial system. Just ask the wholesalers if they are guilty.

These magical powers of the wine and spirit wholesaler were on display recently in an article in which Craig Wolf, the president of the Wine & Spirit Wholesalers of America, revealed that New York State wine retailer Empire Wine was guilty of breaking the law in numerous states (though not New York State law) by shipping wine to consumers in those states.

What’s remarkable is that in this case where the New York State Liquor Authority has accused Empire wine of being just such a law-breaker, there has been no admission of guilt of breaking any states laws, there has been no finding of fact and their has been no trial. In fact, no evidence at all that laws have been broken has been proffered.

Still, and remarkably, Mr. Wolf is able to publicly declare Empire Wine’s guilt. It’s magic.

No one is quite sure how wholesalers are able to magically divine a person’s guilt without any evidence at their disposal. Some say it is a by-product of being the most special people in the wine and spirits industry. Others have claimed they have actually witnessed Mr. Wolf standing in front of wine and spirit retailers and repeating over and over, “Three Tier System–Blah, Blah, Blah—Three Tier System—Blah, Blah, Blah.” I’ve heard about the power of incantations, but never witnessed it myself.

As many people know, I’ve often been a critic of wine and spirit wholesalers. I’ve criticized their consistent anti-consumer activities. I’ve criticized their blatant lies. And I’ve criticized their ongoing practice of pretending to support the three tier system on principle, rather than the real reason: it protects wholesalers from having to compete, work hard, and do a decent job.

But now I have to rethink those criticisms in the wake of discovering their amazing powers of magically divining guilt and innocence.

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3 Responses

  1. Keith Wollenberg - January 19, 2015

    If only Harry Potter’s “Ree-dic-A-lous” spell could banish such Phony wizards.

  2. David Vergari - January 19, 2015

    Once again, I am amused by the antics of the folks at WSWA.

  3. BungRCooper - January 19, 2015

    Two words: Def. Amation.

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