The Magical Powers of the Three Tier System

The Center for Alcohol Policy, a front-group funded by beer wholesalers, recently issued a white paper on the important issue of Drunk Driving in America. The White Paper, entitled “A Legislative History of Drunk Driving in America”, examines a number of steps that have been taken over the years to reduce drunk driving. Measures such as the 0.08 blood alcohol level, the 21-year-old minimum drinking age, and open container laws are all examined.

But what caught my eye was this:

“Alcohol regulations such as the three-tiered system have also helped to reduce overall alcohol-related deaths and injuries.”

As a reminder, the “three-tier system” being referred to here are the state laws that require producers of alcohol, distributors of alcohol and retailers of alcohol to be separately licensed as well as the legal mandate in many states that retailers only purchase their inventory from a middleman wholesaler.

Now, as we all know from listening to the thoughtful ideas of wholesalers over the years, the Three-Tier System is a magical regulatory device, without which most life on the planet would die off. However, what was unclear until now about this method of regulating alcohol sales first put into place in the 1930s is that its existence has the remarkable power to convince the average person to not get in their cars after having a drink or two.

Now, while the author of the new White Paper does not explain exactly how this important and fortunate by-product of the three-tier system works, we shouldn’t be put off by this. It has long been true that fantastic claims made by beer and wine wholesalers simply don’t require evidence, proof or even scrutiny. They are the beer and wine wholesalers. Let’s leave it alone.

For years the beer and wine wholesalers have been alerting us to the fact that if wineries or retailers are allowed to send wine directly to consumers via an interstate shipment, the system of regulatory control in the United States will collapse and consumers will find themselves ingesting tainted and counterfeit alcohol. Moreover, it was these same wholesalers that revealed that interstate delivery of wine would also lead to an epidemic of minors obtaining, sharing, and dying from alcohol consumptions.

Don’t be put off by the fact that none of these claims came to be. The wholesalers claimed them so they simply must be true.

Still, there are some troubling implications that arise from the disclosure in this new White Paper that the Three-Tier System prevents deaths and injuries from drunk driving. First, I want to know why this wisdom was not presented to us earlier. Moreover, it seems plausible that the same magical powers that result in the three-tier system preventing drunk driving could also solve both the current COVID pandemic as well as Global Warming. It is concerning that the wholesalers have not yet revealed how to use the Three-Tier System to overcome these global challenges.

For now, let’s be grateful that the beer wholesalers have revealed an additional magical feature of the Three-Tier System—the ability to convince drinkers not to drive. No one would have ever come to this conclusion concerning the magical powers of the three-tier system were we not reliably informed of it by beer wholesalers.




4 Responses

  1. Donn Rutkoff - August 14, 2021

    Hi Tom. Here is something else you will love. In Pinterest there is a database called eatbydste. About a week ago I was “honored” to read How Long Does Wine Last. Yup. Discussion of how to use the expiry dates on wine bottles.Reds last longer than whites past their expiry date. Etc. Amazing. I realized I had to get rid of my 1998 Barolos so down the drain, along with some 2000 from Margaux AOC.

  2. Andrew Yarosh - August 15, 2021

    Make sure you replace those Barolos and Bordeaux (not to mention your TBAs) with “clean wine”😈 that is “good for you” 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤯

  3. June McIvor - August 16, 2021

    I love this, Tom!

  4. Lynda Paulson - August 16, 2021

    Wicked humor outdone by truth and wisdom….

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