Mother Nature & Wine Country: The Interview

Posted by Tom Wark on May 31, 2011

The weather in Northern California this spring has been terrible. Cold and wet. There's lots of complaining out there. In an attempt to understand what is going on I thought it advisable to go directly to the source. After considerable negotiation, I was able to secure an interview with Mother Nature. As you will see below, the interview was a bit difficult as Mrs. Nature appears to be in a crappy mood. In addition, I want to apologize in advance for having possibly made the situation even worse

So what do you have against Napa Valley?
Listen. Just give me a break. I've been busy and I can't be everywhere all the time. You wine folks bitch and moan about weather more than anyone else on this damn planet. I'll get to you.

Wait a minute, do you mean to say that if you don't focus on an area or region of our planet the upshot is bad weather? Is that how it works?
Well what do you think? Do I seem like the kind of God that would purposefully bring down crappy weather on wine producing areas, let alone tornadoes and hurricanes on unsuspecting folks? On purpose? Of course that's the way it works: I focus and you guys benefit with mild weather. You know, there used to be large swaths of this planet that were fairly unpopulated. I could focus on those continents and regions where you mortals needed my help. Now, with your continual procreation and a real disregard for overpopulation I'm spread pretty thin.

Fair enough. But is there anything we, the "mortals", can do to help you out?
Sure there is. Quit your complaining to me and start directing a little of your complaints to my colleagues. Father Time just sits their on his ass these days and let's things happen. As for Gaia, that one's pretty useless too. No sense of responsibility. To be fair though, she's been depressed for a century now. Still, a few words from you folks wouldn't hurt—if you don't mind.

I'll see what I can do, but I have a fairly limited audience on this blog. But to return to the issue at hand, can we in Napa Valley at least look forward to some sustained sun down the road, if not now. We're dying out here. My own wedding was nearly marred by cold and wind and that was in Mid May. Is there anything we can look forward too?
Have I ever let you down? Ok, Fine. I apologize for last year's vintage. Are you happy? Believe me when I tell you that I got a ear full from you folks about the cold, the rain the grapes left on the vine. And as far as that goes, you know—the cursing me and all, let me just say I much preferred that era when there were sacrifices rather than cursing. A dead goat now and then would be appreciated.

You didn't answer the question.
I'm not promising anything, OK. I will do what I can with regard to your weather. Write down what you want on a piece of paper, put it in your pocket, go outside and build a bon fire, dance around it a bit and we'll see what I can do. And again, consider the goat thing.

Fine. One more question. Global Warming: You or Us?
I believe my people explained in advance of agreeing to this interview that I would not address the issue of Global Warming. This interview is over.