Considering the Winolitical
It’s the quadrennial political convention time and my thoughts run to the political. The first presidential election that engrossed me from start to finish was 1984 (my guy got slaughtered). I couldn’t get enough of the debate, speeches, political strategy, platform development, etc. I’m watching it all now, again, and as always it is great theater.
But what I’m wondering is this: What if the nation elected a Wine President every four years. What if this president represented the American wine drinker and wine industry and advocated specific policy goals and positions? Would there be parties? Certainly!. But what kind of Winolitical Parties would there be and what would they stand for? And what chance would each of the Winolitical Parties have of winning the nationwide and industry vote for Wine President.
I’m wondering if it might look like this:
1. THE PARTY OF QUALITY
Platform:
-America should be concerned first with producing the highest quality wine.
-A Wine’s life begins once rated, and not before.
-Complete, barrier-free access to wine was the Founder’s intention. All barrier to free trade in wine should be removed immediately
-The Individual is the creative force in wine and should take precedent over considerations of terroir
-America should immediately develop a Grand Cru-like system of ranking its wines based on vintners, not land or vineyards or appellation.
-Wine Education should take place in the home, and not be subsidized by the government
-Wine is Wine! We will fight to tax all wine at the same rate, regardless of its alcohol content.
Convention City
Monkton, Maryland
Party Nominees
Robert Parker, Jr., President
Eleanor Heald, Vice President
2. PEOPLES WINE PARTY
Platform
-The PWP will continue its fight to expose the Party of Quality and The Wine Traditionalists and elitists who only have their own interests in mind
-The PWP will fight to detach wine education from the elitist stigma it has been fashioned with by self serving wine snobs
-The PWP will fight to create a wine world in which the life of a wine is recognized to begin at the moment it is bottled.
-Americans must open their eyes to the wines of the world, taking a multicultural approach to their consumption.
-The price of wine has been kept artificially high and out of reach from average Americans. The PWP will continue to advocate for increasing the tax burden on expensive wines and using the proceeds to subsidize the consumption of "peoples wines".
-We support an immediate moratorium on the planting of vineyards that are designed to produce less than 7 tons of grapes per acre. Alternatively, we support a substantial increase in fees on owners of such vineyards. Low yield vineyards keep the supply of wine artificially low.
Convention City
Fresno, California
Party Nominees
Fred Franzia, President
Ralph Nader, Vice President
3. AUTHENTIC WINES NOW
Platform
-Wine is product of Mother Earth. Treat Mother Earth well while producing her finest gift and Mother Earth will deliver us fruit of authentic character that defines our lives and cultures, Dude!
-Excessive ripeness and alcohol in wine only masks the authentic qualities bestowed upon wine by the magic of the earth. We continue to advocate a boycott of wine with over 13% alcohol.
-The life a wine begins when the earth is tilled.
-Ranking and rating wine strips it of its meaning. We continue to support a "Ratings & Review Tax" to deter this harmful practice.
-Single vineyards owned by individuals produce the finest wines and ought to be encouraged though our tax policies.
-We support the elimination of all taxes on wines produced in a biodynamic method with only modest taxation on organically produced wines.
Convention City
Portland Oregon
Party Nominees
Randall Graham, President
Al Gore, Vice President
The Control Party
-No one should enjoy wine unless multiple tiers first authorize the consumption of said wine.
-Quality is not as important as quantity
etc…etc…
I’m sure you know some people who would be seated in this party. 🙁
Very clever!!!
Funny concept Tom, are you ready to dress up and film some mock debates and short party advertisements? Uh oh, three parties? I don’t know if people can handle a tri-partisan decision – so many choices!
Also, this idea reminds me of a similar situation presented in a wonderful book I read quite long ago, but remember clearly. Have you read The Mouse that Roared, by Leonard Wibberley? The people of the fabled wine-exporting country of Grand Fenwick, when faced with issues of a rising population and falling profits break up into two parties: the Dilutionists and the Anti-Dilutionists. Great book – although the relevance to wine teeters off as this country (with a population of six thousand) declares war on the US because some American wine producer is copying the name of Grand Fenwick’s respected winery. Anyway, the short book is a great political satire of cold war times and issues of MAD.
I refuse to support the Party of Quality. Eleanor was given a raw deal by the largely male voter base of luxury wine buyers. And when she pointed out that making wine “takes a village” she was unfairly characterized as “weak and dependent” by the media. A clear case of gender bias.
Morton,
I can always count on your to get into the spirit of things. Excellent!
What cabinet position would Alice Feiring be given in the Authentic Wines Now administration? Secretary of FBA? Federal Bureau of Antispoofulation?
I could be wrong, but I seem to remember reading once that Ralph Nader doesn’t drink.
@ Chicago Pinot, that explains so much.
I nominate Tom Wark as Secretary of Commerce.
“I could be wrong, but I seem to remember reading once that Ralph Nader doesn’t drink.”
He drank the Kool-Aid many years ago and that was enough!
Haha, very creative post! The sides were well thought out. Bring on those videos and mock debates.
If Captûre Wines fell under a party I suppose we would be in the AWN party. Mostly for the fact that we are very big on land stewardship and slightly because we end our statements in “Dude!”, Dude!